| So
it's come to this: A selection from "TDT Classic" |
Survivor
13: Cook Islands |
Swedish
Chef detained at Guantanamo, Hussein ties alleged
Ashcroft
declares lovable Muppet may be 'missing link' between
Iraq and al-Qaeda
By Dee Tective, True Dork Times International
Surveillance Editor
Originally published: March,
2002 |
 WASHINGTON,
D.C. (TDT) In what Justice Department officials are
describing as a "major breakthrough" in establishing a direct
link between Saddam Hussein's Iraqi government and the al-Qaeda
terrorist organization, Attorney General John Ashcroft announced
yesterday that former "Muppet Show" star the Swedish
Chef has been arrested and transported to the Guantanamo
Bay detention facility for interrogation. Ashcroft
stated that not only did it appear that the Swedish Chef
and Saddam Hussein have close ties, but that they "may in
fact be the same person."
Ashcroft
said that federal investigators had long had the Swedish
Chef under surveillance, simply because "he seemed suspicious,
what with the massive eyebrows and moustache." But
it wasn't until the CIA began testing new facial recognition
software that the link became evident. According to
the agency, the Swedish Chef
and Saddam Hussein scored an "almost perfect match" in their
facial features.
"We're 99.99% sure they are the same person," Ashcroft announced, an almost
perceptible smile slightly wrinkling the corners of his dour face.
Federal
investigators confirmed that the Swedish Chef had a "long history of surveillance" by
both the FBI  and CIA, owing primarily to his "flamboyant
dress, mysterious appearance, predilection for various knives,
mallets and cleavers, and, most of all, his continuing attempts
to speak in some sort of code."
Codebreaking
specialists had long attempted to decrypt the Chef's often
mystifying monologues, but little success was gained until
the face recognition software came up with the match with
Hussein. "Once
we had that, we knew where to start," Ashcroft explained. According
to partially declassified CIA documents, the agency found
that when played backwards, many of the Chef's famous phrases
sound suspiciously like "secret commands" in Arabic. "For
instance, 'Bork bork bork' appears to translate roughly to
'Kill all the infidels,'"
Ashcroft stated confidently.
Another
phrase, Ashcroft alleged, sounded remarkably like "Osama
bin Laden," providing what the government described as "a
clear link" between the Iraqi leader Hussein and the al-Qaeda
terrorist organization.
The
CIA blamed the lengthy delay in decoding the Chef's messages
on governmental cutbacks. "Basically,
we had nobody that could speak Arabic," a chagrined agency
spokesman admitted.
"But in all honesty, who in the last 30 years had any idea that Iraq or Iran,
or the rest of the Middle East, for that matter, would turn into a hotspot
of trouble?"
Another
factor weighing in favor of the arrest was the intriguing disappearance of
the Swedish Chef from the public eye, coinciding almost exactly
with Hussein's rise to power in Iraq. "Have they ever
been shown together in the same room?" Ashcroft asked. "We
think not." When agents noticed that the Chef was scheduled
to begin filming another Muppet movie, special operations
units swooped in, arrested him, and transported him to the
military detention facility in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
According
to military commanders at the facility, the Swedish Chef
has refused to speak to his captors since his arrival, and
has in fact remained "almost
motionless" in the corner of his cage, refusing to eat or
exercise. "He does seem to stir a bit when the wind
picks up, though," one of the guards offered, helpfully.
When
interviewed by the Al-Jazeera network, Iraqi government officials
were almost universally scornful of the American revelations. Deputy
Prime Minister Tariq Aziz blasted Ashcroft, barely containing
his laughter as he pointed out that Hussein frequently stays
out of the public eye for extended periods of time, but in
this case, had been shown on national newscasts in a meeting
with his advisers twice since the time of the Swedish Chef's
arrest. Ashcroft discounted this possibility, retorting
that the Iraqis are notorious for their propaganda-laden
broadcasts, frequently recycling footage several years old. "We
have our man," he said, nodding gravely. |
|
|
As previously spoiled,
the next edition of Survivor is currently being filmed
at the Aitutaki atoll, Cook Islands (from late June through early
August, 2006). As you'd probably guess, you'll likely find
more of the same show-related crap above. |
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