True Dork Times: Volume V, No. 2

The True Dork Times/ If it's on the internet, it must be true

July, 2005

Bush nominates First Dog Barney Bush to Supreme Court

White House officials confidently allowed Barney to participate in this post-O'Connor Court photo.

WASHINGTON, D.C. (TDT) President George W. Bush announced today that Barney Bush, the dark-haired Scottish Terrier currently serving in his second term as First Dog, will be the President's nominee to succeed departing justice Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court.

Special-interest groups from both the right and left, all of whom had been preparing for a contentious nomination battle, appeared initially taken aback by the announcement, but quickly responded with competing ad campaigns respectively praising or denouncing the President's selection. Talk radio hosts Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity both lavished praise on Barney, citing his lifelong dedication to President Bush. By the end of the day, Limbaugh's web site was touting record sales of T-shirts bearing the slogan, "Barney: He's no pussy." Liberal activist group Moveon.org, in contrast, had produced a web commercial decrying the selection of "Yet another Bush lap dog."

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Contestants making progress in race for Imsori Xed-Out Prize

WASHINGTON, D.C. (TDT) In a sparsely-covered press conference, Imsori Foundation President Theodore Kaczynski, Ph.D., yesterday lauded the progress of the top five teams competing for the group's prestigious Xed-Out Prize. Kaczynski feels one of the teams (listed below) will likely be the first to complete the Imsori Foundation's mission of returning the Earth to the Dark Ages for a second time.

Kaczysnki appeared especially taken with the efforts of Team Fatwa, largely composed of Islamic extremists. "They've been making quite a bang recently," Kaczynski chuckled.

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Xed-Out Prize Leaderboard

Team, Leader

Bio

Strengths

Weaknesses

Overall Score

Team Fatwa
khamenei

Leader: Ayatollah Ali Khamenei.
Affiliation: Islamic fundamentalists.
Favorite historical period:
Reign of Saladin.

- Pissed off about pretty much every social advance since the 1500s.
- Hate women, Western philosophy, music, Garfield.
- Handy with bombs.

- Didn't come out too well during first Dark Ages.
- Not exactly the stealthiest team.

Current progress

70%

Overall chances

50%

More crap from Crappy's blog...

Is it toilet humor? Not really. Informed, snarky, topical commentary? Eh, not so much. A pathetic fusion of both? Getting warmer. See for yourself: A sample of what you'll find floating around this month:

Mark Burnett is an idiot
June 29th, 2005

Yes, we know that’s not news.

But there is Burnett-related news, reported at SurvivorPhoenix this weekend, that two former contestants will join 16 new ones in Survivor: Guatemala, and that does prove the point of the title. WTF were they thinking?

Okay, to be fair, we doubt Mr. Burnett actually come up with this, nor spent more than a millisecond or so approving it, since he is probably incredibly busy with other activities this summer (coming up with a plausible explanation for how the Michael Hutchence-less INXS can justifiably be called "Rock Star"s, attempting to determine if Roma Downey is really an angel, and practicing his hypnotism, to fool NBC executives into continuing to ignore that their ratings suck, and that nobody watched the CBS Martha Stewart-knockoff, Wickedly Perfect).

But still, throwing two ex-contestants in with a bunch of newbies? Did he not watch his own Survivor: All-Stars (more correctly called All-Star Survivor, or ASS)? What made him think the two retreads would be anything but easy pickings for the first two boots? And if they’re somehow immune from such activities, what’s the point of them being there in the first place? Anyway, this “twist” strikes us as nothing but dumb.

We hereby dub this season, officially still called Survivor: Guatemala, as “Partial All-Star Survivor”, which you’re free to shorten as either Half-ASS, or just do the sane thing, and give it a PASS.

(Oh, and as you may note below, we’ve retroactively created a “Survivor crap” category for posts. Sorry about the redundant category name).

Click here for more latrinal wisdom.

Survivor: Guatemala Stuff

On to trivializing an ancient culture:
Survivometer 11
Survivor: Guatemala Spoilers
Survivor: Guatemala Calendar
Other seasons:
Survivor Index

24 Stuff

While you're waiting for season five (in January, 2006), feel free to peruse:

Day 5 Life Expectancy Chart
Other seasons: 24 Index