So
you want to create a marginally subversive cartoon?
Our handy
guide to tweaking social norms just enough to develop
a large-ish, cult following (read: the target 18-29 male
demographic), while sufficiently aping standard sitcom
principles and cliches to convince a major network (read:
FOX) to pay you lots of money.
Compliments of the True Dork Times staff |
Let's face it. Even
the lamest, most hackneyed cartoon is more entertaining than
the best piece of crap sitcom you'll find these days on a major
network (read: we don't know, we don't watch any, unless you
count Arrested Development, although we'd consider
it a slur to call that show a sitcom. Plus, we're not sure FOX
counts as a "major network"). And if we know it, chances
are someone at the networks does, too. True, they're probably
cleaning toilets for a living, but there's a possibility that
one day they'll ride in an elevator with someone important.
So here you go: A step-by-step guide to turning tired animation
cliches into big bucks, courtesy of the True Dork Times.
You can thank us later. Ideally with large quantities of high-denomination,
unmarked bills.
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| Step
One: Come up with a unique drawing 'style' |
| Figure
1: Quality is not a virtue |
South Park: Funny |
Terrance
& Philip: Funnier |
This may sound like
a big step, but don't worry: quality is not a problem. In fact,
the worse you draw, the funnier and more distinctive your cartoon
will be. Besides, if your show takes off, you won't be doing the
drawing, anyway, you'll be outsourcing that to animation slaves
in South Korea. Why do you think we've been occupying them for
fifty years? To protect our Hyundai supply?
But back to quality. Case in point: South Park vs. Terrance
and Philip. South Park is funny, in part because
the kids are simply-rendered, mostly geometric, noseless cutouts.
But Terrance and Philip is funnier, because T & P
are nothing more than a jumble of rectangles and severed ovals.
Well, okay, they also swear like sailors and fart a lot. But our
point still stands. If you want to be a serious artist while making
money, get a job at Weta or ILM.
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| Step
Two: Figure out your main characters |
This is, of course,
the key to your success. Luckily, there are a few animation archetypes
that should make this simpler. Your main characters will fall
into one of a few main categories. And by "a few," we
mean two. But relax, each is pure comedy gold. Now, you might
well worry, "Won't people notice that I'm ripping off every
other cartoon ever made?" But the answer is: No, they never
do.
| Character
examples |
Comments |
1.
The really dumb (and most likely fat) guy |
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The first rule of cartoons is that nothing is funnier
to watch than stupid people. Hence the popularity
of reality TV. So your cartoon absolutely must have someone
who is woefully mentally incompetent. But not retarded,
because nobody laughs at that (except jocks and frat boys).
- Bonus points... if your dumb guy is also
morbidly obese. Because ridiculing the overweight is one
of the three bedrock principles of comedy. Also, fat people
are dumb. (See?)
- Note: As far as we know, there has never
been a main character who is a really dumb (and/or hefty)
girl or woman. Sorry, no fat chicks. Plus, women are always
smart in cartoons, men are always stupid. Those are the
rules. |
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The second rule of cartoons is that you absolutely need
a character who feels unmitigated contempt for all
human life, except his own (once again, always
male). Usually, this character will end up getting all the
good lines, so pick wisely.
- Warning!: This character absolutely,
positively must also be completely ineffectual
(because with world domination, it's the repeated failed
attempts at getting it that's funny, not the having it).
- With that in mind, your choices here are limited to: children,
animals, robots, the elderly, or, if you're especially adventurous,
the dumb fat guy. |
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| Step
Three: Toss in some recurring minor characters |
Your minor
characters are, especially once your main characters have worn
out their potential, the real foundation of your show. For most
cartoons, that ends up being about halfway through the first season.
The supporting cast should thus be as large a collection of freaks,
goofballs and unflattering stereotypes as possible. Regardless
of their role, these characters can always be made funnier by
giving them foreign accents, bizarre affectations, physical deformities,
excessive body mass, annoying mannerisms, and last but not least:
strange hair. For added fun, try throwing in characters from other
species. But be careful, you may end up with Father of the
Pride. And nobody wants that. Here are some guaranteed-funny
archetypes from which to work:
| Character
examples |
Comments |
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You can't have a funny dumb guy/sociopath unless there is
an opposing force. That's where the Uptight Enforcer comes
in. Also, apart from the executives you're pitching this
to, everyone hates The Man. Low risk, high payoff.
- As with the Sociopath, this person is not Superman. S/he
needs to be sufficiently incompetent to
allow your main characters to get away with various hijinks,
but competent enough to eventually catch them each week.
In the interim, of course, hilarity ensues.
- Along those lines, it helps if the Enforcer has some sort
of behavioral or glandular problem. Physical and/or psychological
disorders = surefire laughs. |
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This is, well... a necessary evil. Let's be honest: your
core fanbase will be, and we say this as delicately as possible:
a bunch of losers. As such, they'll identify best with one
of their own. The downside is, nerds aren't necessarily
all that funny.
- But on the other hand, you can still get cheap laughs
by making fun of your nerd's social ineptitude. |
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This character gets to do all the stuff you, er, your "characters"
wish they could get away with (i.e. sex, drugs, possibly
rock 'n' roll). Warning: No matter how
popular your cartoon gets, you will never be as cool as
this character.
- Note: Since this character is a deviant,
it is obviously extremely amusing if you have them work
with kids. |
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If you need to elevate a minor character to major status,
you can't go wrong with this pick. As long as they don't
talk (intelligibly, at least), you can freely allow this
character to commit acts of heroism, daring, or superhero
excitement (generally, ripping off, er, uh, "making
an homage to" action movie cliches). Or you can just
subject them to repeated, random acts of violence, perhaps
even killing them each week. Whatever. It's all good. |
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| Step
Four: Plot? Pffffft, not necessary |
Here's where a lifetime
of rotting your brain with sitcoms (and, of course, cartoons)
can come in handy. Simply plug your characters into ancient plots
from "I Love Lucy" or "The Flintstones," and
let the good times roll. Alternatively, take the standard cartoon
plot of "The [insert name here] gets a/goes to [insert random
object/place here]." Pull out a random word generator, and
this stuff practically writes itself.
If you're really in a pinch, take any popular TV show or movie,
past your character's names over the existing script, and tell
your animators to draw it. This is what people in the industry
call "parody." Apparently, it's viewed as somehow superior
to other examples of ripping off past sources, because you stay
more true to the original intent. Plus, your brain-dead viewers
may feel clever when they figure out that your "Garth Nader"
character, who dresses in black and goes around chopping people
with a glowing sword, might be a "reference to" Darth
Vader. Humor them like this, and they'll put at the top of Yahoo!'s
Buzz log.
When in doubt, throw in as many obscure pop-culture references
as possible, to distract all those nerds on the internet from
the fact that a paint thinner-huffing chimpanzee could probably
have come up with something of similar quality. Then again, realistically,
will anyone notice your blatant lack of creativity? Not in Hollywood!
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| Step
Five: Make room for some jokes |
Finally, we
get to the jokes. You might think this is the hardest part: after
all, there are several cartoons (i.e. anything on Nickelodeon)
that aren't all that funny. But fear not. Those cartoons simply
fail to follow one of the cardinal rules for humor: making
fun of other people. Here are some safe (but to the untrained
eye, subversive) targets of your animated scorn:
- Politicians - in cartoons, they're always corrupt, and barely
able to conceal their torrid and bizarre sex lives (just like
in real life!)
- Religious people - see politicians
- CEOs - see also politicians (the same joke never gets old!)
- Smart people - boy, are they ever boring!
- Fat people - boy, are they ever dumb! (See? See?)
- Old people - boy, are they ever annoyingly long-winded/ cranky/
addicted to Matlock and meds!
- Celebrities - boy, are they ever painfully shallow/ addicted
to cosmetic surgery!
- Lawyers - boy, are they ever money-hungry, incompetent drunks!
- The police - boy, do they ever love sitting around, eating donuts!
- Labor unions - boy, do they ever love sitting around, period!
- Other cartoons - because it's not how good you are, but how
well you can knock the other guy that's important
As for the actual gags, in addition to the social satire above,
you absolutely must include as many as possible of the following:
- Fart jokes: always good for a laugh, especially if an uptight
character is involved
- Other bodily function jokes: these never get old, particularly
in socially unacceptable situations (at work, in church, while
giving a speech)
- Characters (male) getting hit in the groin: it's not funny until
they clutch their crotch, double over in pain, then fall over.
After that - comedy genius!
- Characters (usually uptight) having exotic sexual appetites
- bondage, hints of latent homosexuality, transgender confusion.
Never a dull moment!
- Extended drug fantasy sequences - dude!
- Anonymous characters suffering massive injuries and/or gruesome
deaths - it's funny because we don't know them!
So there you have it. Just follow the checklists above, and you'll
do fine. With any luck, FOX will eventually hand you an entire
night of prime-time to strut your "creative" chops.
And when they do, please feel free to give us a cut of your residuals.
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