True Dork Times: Volume V, No. 1

Volume V
June, 2004

The Fake News

Madonna officially no longer 'Like A Virgin'
Publicist refuses to rule out singer's 're-Invention' as a Virgin Records employee

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AGB) The Federal Trade Commission today ruled that singer, dancer and alleged actor Madonna "may no longer plausibly be considered even 'like a virgin'." Furthermore, the commission demanded that performance of the song of that name be removed from her upcoming tour, under penalty of prosection under federal truth-in-advertising statutes.
The decision to remove the song came as a rough blow to the already controversy-ridden tour. Before the first performance, Madonna's "re-Invention Tour" has gone through four different nannies, three separate nursemaids, a whole troupe of pay-to-play 'friends' for little Lourdes, and six separate Kabballah svengalis.

Madonna, reinvented as an ottoman.

Love, auditioning for "Troll Dolls: The Motion Picture."

    This latest setback, however, did not come as a complete surprise to the twice-married, 63-year-old mother of two. "To be honest, I thought they would have revoked her status after she slept with Dennis Rodman," Madonna publicist J. D. "Dawg" Sheiblatt stated. "There are some things that just never return to normal after a date with Dennis. Not to mention the close to a jillion other guys she slept with."
    Music officials had previously considered removing her from the "like a virgin" qualified list after she had her first and second child, but were reminded that it was possible for a Madonna to have a child and still qualify as virginal.
    Insiders say that it was eventually her haughty faux matronly attitude she has exhibited recently during her children's book tour that foreclosed the possibility of any virginal classification. "The children's book really put her out to pasture," said one longtime Madonna fan. "I mean what type of virgin writes a Kabbalah-based children's book, and then reads it on Oprah with a fake English accent?"
   "I am really going to miss her performing 'Like a Virgin'," said one ticket holder prior to Madonna's Los Angeles concert. "But hopefully she will replace it with a ten-minute lecture on Kabballah, or an ill-informed diatribe on global politics, or maybe just another extended masturbatory dance sequence."
    In a separate ruling, female rocker and cosmetic-surgery addict Courtney Love will be allowed to continue performing her former band Hole's song, "Doll Parts," because, in the words of the commission, "The only sense in which the opening lines, 'I am doll parts, doll lips, doll eyes' could be more true would be if she were Michael Jackson. Or possibly La Toya." When reached for comment, Love refused a verbal statement, but did remove her clothes and make several rude hand gestures.

FBI worried about threat from Amish extremists
'We're concerned about what they've got in all those barns,' experts say

FBI Director Robert Mueller issued a grave warning yesterday, concerning intelligence reports citing threats to United States security from a "hostile cell of Amish extremists." Homeland Security officials are said to be debating whether to raise the Terror Alert level.

Mueller offered no specifics as to the time or location of alleged threats.

   While the director refused to go into detail about the nature of the threats, rising Bush administration suspicions about Amish fundamentalist activities have been evident in recent weeks. Last Sunday on "Meet The Press," Attorney General John Ashcroft cited growing unease with non-Islamic religious groups. "We're paying close attention to a group, possibly headquartered in Pennsylvania, that seems to be openly hostile to modern Western civilization. Just like the mullahs, they want to send us back to the Stone Age! Primarily, we were worried because these people were falling through our constant surveillance of web, cell-phone and email activities. That and they lived in a battleground state, and hadn't seemed to have heard our story that John Kerry wants to raise their gas taxes by 50 cents a gallon."
   President Bush himself voiced similar concerns in a recent speech outlining coalition plans for the future of the occupation of Iraq. "My number one job is to protect this great country from another 9/11," Mr. Bush said. "And there are these fellas here in our country, who have long beards, and who speak another language, which sounds like some kind of German, or something. We have satellite photos showing they have a lot of large, barn-like buildings, which could house weapons programs. Solid intelligence reports from the CIA detect high levels of fertilizers there, which can be used to make bombs. And I learned on 9/11 that we can't afford to sit back and wait for a threat to grow. So we will act, and we will prevail."
   Democrats seemed somewhat skeptical of the administration's claims, including House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D, CA), who openly questioned whether this was merely an attempt to distract the public from the administration's sagging poll numbers in the progress of the War on Terror. But she was cut short by Speaker Dennis Hastert, who asked Pelosi why she hated Liberty and Freedom so much, and a Democratic motion to form a committee investigating the administration's alleged Amish evidence was defeated along party lines.

24 Stuff

Season 3 is over, and Season 4 won't start until 2005. But feel free to look back on the old 24 Life Expectancy Chart. It will be the longest, most boring click of your life. Also, we expect to be running another season of You Got Jacked. In 2005.

Bush Indict-o-meter

Every day brings a new scandal: Geneva Conventions flouting; Halliburton contract "coordination" from the VP's office; Ahmad Chalabi destroying U.S. counter-Iranian ops capabilities; exposure of anti-WMD CIA agents in the field. Who's going down? Probably nobody, but we're happy to rank their chances on the new Indict-o-meter, anyway.

Election 2004

Because there's something to ridicule about every candidate. Now serving the parade of would-be Vice Presidents.

Click here for our
Vote2004 pages

Top One Phrase that will get you sent to Abu Ghraib

"Seacrest... Out!"