January, 2007   New format! Same old crap!
So it's come to this: A selection from "TDT Classic" Survivor 14.5: Pirate Master
So you want to create a marginally subversive cartoon?
Our handy guide to tweaking social norms just enough to develop a large-ish, cult following (read: the target 18-29 male demographic), while sufficiently aping standard sitcom principles and cliches to convince a major network (read: FOX) to pay you lots of money.

Compliments of the True Dork Times staff (Originally published: June, 2005)

Let's face it. Even the lamest, most hackneyed cartoon is more entertaining than the best piece of crap sitcom you'll find these days on a major network (read: we don't know, we don't watch any, unless you count Arrested Development, although we'd consider it a slur to call that show a sitcom. Plus, we're not sure FOX counts as a "major network"). And if we know it, chances are someone at the networks does, too. True, they're probably cleaning toilets for a living, but there's a possibility that one day they'll ride in an elevator with someone important.

So here you go: A step-by-step guide to turning tired animation cliches into big bucks, courtesy of the True Dork Times. You can thank us later. Ideally with large quantities of high-denomination, unmarked bills.

Step One: Come up with a unique drawing 'style'

Figure 1: Quality is not a virtue
sp
South Park: Funny
terrance and philip
Terrance & Philip: Funnier
This may sound like a big step, but don't worry: quality is not a problem. In fact, the worse you draw, the funnier and more distinctive your cartoon will be. Besides, if your show takes off, you won't be doing the drawing, anyway, you'll be outsourcing that to animation slaves in South Korea. Why do you think we've been occupying them for fifty years? To protect our Hyundai supply?

But back to quality. Case in point: South Park vs. Terrance and Philip. South Park is funny, in part because the kids are simply-rendered, mostly geometric, noseless cutouts. But Terrance and Philip is funnier, because T & P are nothing more than a jumble of rectangles and severed ovals. Well, okay, they also swear like sailors and fart a lot. But our point still stands. If you want to be a serious artist while making money, get a job at Weta or ILM.

Step Two: Figure out your main characters

This is, of course, the key to your success. Luckily, there are a few animation archetypes that should make this simpler. Your main characters will fall into one of a few main categories. And by "a few," we mean two. But relax, each is pure comedy gold. Now, you might well worry, "Won't people notice that I'm ripping off every other cartoon ever made?" But the answer is: No, they never do.
Character examples Comments
1. The really dumb (and most likely fat) guy
homer
peter
stimpy
cartman
- The first rule of cartoons is that nothing is funnier to watch than stupid people. Hence the popularity of reality TV. So your cartoon absolutely must have someone who is woefully mentally incompetent. But not retarded, because nobody laughs at that (except jocks and frat boys).
- Bonus points... if your dumb guy is also morbidly obese. Because ridiculing the overweight is one of the three bedrock principles of comedy. Also, fat people are dumb. (See?)
- Note: As far as we know, there has never been a main character who is a really dumb (and/or hefty) girl or woman. Sorry, no fat chicks. Plus, women are always smart in cartoons, men are always stupid. Those are the rules.
Read more: Click here.
s14 logo Master Rater
PM spoilers
PM calendar
You'd think after 13 seasons of this, we'd be done. Actually, so did we. Note to CBS: please just cancel the show, before we spoil again. We're pretty sure everyone will thank you.
 
Survivor 14: Fiji
s14 logo Survivometer 14
S14 spoilers
S14 calendar
You'd think after 13 seasons of this, we'd be done. Actually, so did we. Note to CBS: please just cancel the show, before we spoil again. We're pretty sure everyone will thank you.
 
Other Survivor seasons
If you want to know more than you thought possible (while maintaining some semblance of sanity) about other seasons of Survivor, you'll likely find such crap here: Survivor index. Use at your own risk.
 
Where you should go if you don't see new content above:
crappyCrappy the Smart-Assed Toilet: Without question, the crappiest blog on the web. But it is updated marginally more frequently than this page. Except when it's not.

Is it toilet humor? Not really. Informed, snarky, topical commentary? Eh, not so much. A pathetic fusion of both? Getting warmer. See for yourself.
Gratuitous music links:
highwire
highwire
jasper rine
The Jasper Rine
jackhammer cats
Jackhammer Cats
Archives: Unnecessary logo: Contact us:
Please feel free to visit (or re-visit) the following:
Old TDT crap: True Dork Times Archives
Old Survivor crap: Survivor index
tdt logo Hate what you see? You're not alone!
Please address your venom-filled missives to:
truedorktimes.com
The True Dork Times :  If it's on the internet, it must be true