| So
it's come to this: A selection from "TDT Classic" |
Survivor
14.5: Pirate Master |
So
you want to create a marginally subversive cartoon?
Our
handy guide to tweaking social norms
just enough to develop a large-ish, cult
following (read: the target 18-29 male
demographic), while sufficiently aping
standard sitcom principles and cliches
to convince a major network (read: FOX)
to pay you lots of money.
Compliments of the True Dork
Times staff (Originally published: June,
2005) |
Let's
face it. Even the lamest, most hackneyed cartoon is more
entertaining than the best piece of crap sitcom you'll find
these days on a major network (read: we don't know, we don't
watch any, unless you count Arrested Development,
although we'd consider it a slur to call that show a sitcom.
Plus, we're not sure FOX counts as a "major network").
And if we know it, chances are someone at the networks does,
too. True, they're probably cleaning toilets for a living,
but there's a possibility that one day they'll ride in an
elevator with someone important.
So here you go: A step-by-step guide to turning tired animation
cliches into big bucks, courtesy of the True Dork Times.
You can thank us later. Ideally with large quantities of
high-denomination, unmarked bills.
|
| Step
One: Come up with a unique drawing 'style' |
| Figure
1: Quality is not a virtue |

South Park: Funny |

Terrance
& Philip: Funnier |
This may
sound like a big step, but don't worry: quality is not a problem.
In fact, the worse you draw, the funnier and more distinctive
your cartoon will be. Besides, if your show takes off, you
won't be doing the drawing, anyway, you'll be outsourcing that
to animation slaves in South Korea. Why do you think we've
been occupying them for fifty years? To protect our Hyundai
supply?
But back to quality. Case in point: South Park vs. Terrance
and Philip. South Park is funny, in part because
the kids are simply-rendered, mostly geometric, noseless
cutouts. But Terrance and Philip is funnier, because
T & P are nothing more than a jumble of rectangles and
severed ovals. Well, okay, they also swear like sailors and
fart a lot. But our point still stands. If you want to be
a serious artist while making money, get a job at Weta or
ILM.
|
| Step
Two: Figure out your main characters |
This
is, of course, the key to your success. Luckily, there are
a few animation archetypes that should make this simpler.
Your main characters will fall into one of a few main categories.
And by "a few," we mean two. But relax, each is
pure comedy gold. Now, you might well worry, "Won't
people notice that I'm ripping off every other cartoon ever
made?" But the answer is: No, they never do.
| Character
examples |
Comments |
1.
The really dumb (and most likely fat) guy |
|
|
|
|
|
- The first
rule of cartoons is that nothing is funnier
to watch than stupid people. Hence the
popularity of reality TV. So your cartoon absolutely
must have someone who is woefully mentally incompetent.
But not retarded, because nobody laughs at that
(except jocks and frat boys).
- Bonus points... if your dumb guy is also morbidly obese. Because
ridiculing the overweight is one of the three bedrock principles of comedy. Also,
fat people are dumb. (See?)
- Note: As far as we know, there has never been a main character
who is a really dumb (and/or hefty) girl or woman. Sorry, no fat chicks. Plus,
women are always smart in cartoons, men are always stupid. Those are the rules. |
| Read more: Click
here. |
|
|
|
You'd think after 13 seasons of this, we'd be done. Actually,
so did we. Note to CBS: please just cancel the show, before we
spoil again. We're pretty sure everyone will thank you. |
| |
|
| Survivor
14: Fiji |
|
You'd think after 13 seasons of this, we'd be done. Actually,
so did we. Note to CBS: please just cancel the show, before we
spoil again. We're pretty sure everyone will thank you. |
| |
|
| Other
Survivor seasons |
| If you want to know more than
you thought possible (while maintaining some semblance of sanity)
about other seasons of Survivor,
you'll likely find such crap here: Survivor index.
Use at your own risk. |
| |
|
| Where
you should go if you don't see new content above: |
Crappy
the Smart-Assed Toilet: Without question,
the crappiest blog on the web. But it is updated marginally more
frequently than this page. Except when it's not.
Is it toilet humor? Not really. Informed, snarky, topical commentary?
Eh, not so much. A pathetic fusion of both? Getting warmer. See
for yourself. |
| Gratuitous
music links: |

highwire |

The Jasper Rine |

Jackhammer Cats |
| Archives: |
Unnecessary
logo: |
Contact
us: |
Please feel free to visit (or re-visit) the following:
Old TDT crap: True Dork Times Archives
Old Survivor crap: Survivor index |
|
Hate what you see? You're not alone!
Please address your venom-filled missives to:
truedorktimes.com |
|